I am dedicating this to those who experienced the emotional shock, melted down, and are trying to overcome the pain and trauma brought about by the event when you finally unmasked and confronted the Narcissist in your life.
WARNING: This article can cause triggers.
When I slightly recovered from the trauma of what I’ve gone through with my Narcissistic ex, some people asked me how I managed to escape and recover the way I did.
It seemed very easy because they never saw me breaking down.
Well, life isn’t always what it seems.
My journey towards where I am now was very dark.
I never thought I would live to this day after everything that happened.
People didn’t see it because it’s not something normal people would be proud to showcase.
It was ugly.
I felt like a garbage all the time.
Here’s How I Melted Down
I don’t have a video to show my actual melt-down when I finally discovered that the man I was in a relationship with was not the one I thought he was.
I was in a relationship with my ex for over 5 (stupid) years.
But to give you an idea, here’s a scene from a local film “Kasal” which was similar to our confrontational scene in real life.
In this clip, the woman was confronting her fiance after discovering that he’s been keeping a secret identity from her.
I had the same reaction when I finally discovered the truth that my ex has been faking his identity all throughout our relationship.
The guy in the scene said, “Yes, I’ve been with men and women in the past.”
But in order to fit the scene with what happened to me, just replace the guy’s dialogue with something to this tune…
“Yes, I’ve been cheating on you and I have been living a double life ever since. The man that you fell in love with never really existed. I just made up an image so you could love me and I could get into your world.”
Imagine the emotional shock.
It was unbelievable.
He’s gotta be kidding me.
But no, he was dead serious.
The mask has just fallen off.
And for the first time, I saw him for who he really was.
How It Really Felt?
I was wishing that a director would scream “cut” or at least someone go wake me up from a nightmare.
But, no, I was in a real-life scenario.
The emotional and psychological impact could drive someone crazy.
It felt like I wanted to tear him to pieces but I didn’t have the capacity.
I was mad as hell.
Similar to the woman, I said the worst things I could ever tell someone in my life.
I never knew I could slap/punch someone that hard until that very moment.
The pain was just hard to contain.
It felt like I was a bomb waiting to explode at any moment.
After the Discovery Was Even Worse
I could not count the number of times I went ballistic after the discovery, and even months after.
I thought I was becoming more insane by the day.
I started becoming cruel to myself.
I hated myself.
I had so many negative thoughts.
I was slowly losing my desire to become a good person because what for.
That was me for a number of months.
I must admit that suicide did cross my mind not only once because the trauma activated some voices in my head that would always tell me how worthless I was.
I wanted to crash the car or jump off while it was running fast.
I even saw a mental picture of me killing myself by hanging.
Thoughts which I’m not very proud about, but something I won’t deny.
I slowly lost every inch of what used to keep me going.
Luckily, I still have my daughter.
She saved me from keeping those thoughts.
The thought of her not having a mother frightened me even more that’s why I pushed really hard to recover.
I would cry while putting her to sleep, repeatedly asking for forgiveness for even entertaining the thoughts of leaving her by ending my life.
I promised to stay strong.
I wanted to make her proud.
Start of My Journey to Recovery
After a few months, I recovered not because I got the closure from the person who caused me harm.
Instead, I started recovering the moment I decided to stop asking him for answers and just looked for the answers on my own, because I learned that people like him won’t give us what we need to have a peaceful life.
He would just continue to destroy whatever’s left in me.
So I decided to finally let go and choose myself.
And a few more months after, this is me now.
I know much better and I continue to educate myself about Covert Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I moved on not because I managed to forget all the horrifying things that happened.
I moved on because I managed to understand what happened to me and why those things happened.
Understanding that it was brought about by his personality disorder made me realize that there’s really nothing I could do, and there’s no point in blaming and hating myself for what and how he made me feel.
He’s sick and that he’s planned everything from the beginning.
So I should stop believing when he said that he cheated on me because I wasn’t appreciating him.
That he was consistently tell lies only because he’s scared he would make me mad if he tells me the truth.
That he developed that behavior because of how he was raised.
I now know that all of these were just his ways to gaslight me.
This is his way of pulling that “victim” role.
Where I Stand Right Now
I’m very well aware now that he’s supplying himself with new victims.
People like him are always on the lookout for people like us: empathic, strong, and has high tolerance to emotional pain.
We are their Grade A supplies.
He’s going to start his modus all over again.
For sure he’s already created a new image of him, complete with newly fabricated stories about his past.
He’s once again ready to deceive new people with his brand new life and image.
He won’t be able to help it even if he wouldn’t want to, because that’s the blueprint of Narcissism.
That’s how they all operate.
I already stopped hoping that he would ever going to change.
He’s unwell and the disorder simply won’t allow him to.
That’s the reason why I couldn’t stay mad at him for a very long time.
I pity him, instead, because he’s sick in the head.
How I Managed to Move On
My secret was simple: I gained an understanding about what happened to me and by doing so helped me a lot in starting to move forward.
Learning a lot about NPD helped me accept my failure points, because it made me realize that there’s really nothing I could do so there’s no point in ruminating.
The best way is to move forward and bring those lessons with me.
I feel much better now that his toxic tongue no longer has the power over my head.
I’m just happy I could sleep soundly at night without worrying that he’s screwing someone else, because he’s no longer my problem now.
He could f*ck every woman he could fool for all I care.
I don’t have any plans of reconsidering, whatever happens.
Now I understand that trusting him was a fatal mistake.
In fact, I have already buried the imaginary man I used to love.
Fine enough, I didn’t feel any loss because he never really existed in the first place.
So, in case you’re reading this because you are a victim, were a victim, or a possible victim. This one is for you.
You’re not crazy.
Don’t kill yourself.
You’re not alone.
You will get over it.