You would be surprised to know that there are many cases of Narcissistic Abuse around the different parts of the world, therefore, there are also many Narcissistic Abuse victims.
However, despite this striking fact, there’s still not a lot of people who know about this personality disorder and not a lot of victims would choose to come out and share their stories.
There are many different reasons and factors as to why some victims of Narcissistic Abuse choose to remain mum about it.
In this article, I will list down the 7 common reasons I gathered based on my experience interacting with some Narcissistic Abuse victims themselves.
Let me also include the reason why I personally chose to come out regardless of these reasons and factors.
1) They Are Still Looking for Answers
Some victims of Narcissistic Abuse are either discarded or ghosted by their abusers.
Discard, in the world of a Narcissist, means an abrupt end of a relationship without closure and empathy to the discarded partner, causing too much pain and confusion.
When this happens, the victims are continuously abused by the Narcissist even though they are no longer together.
This is because the discard is so cruel that the victims would find it hard to understand why someone who had once treated you as the love of his/her life would suddenly dispose you because of uncertain reasons.
What happened to the person who gave me so much love in the beginning?
How could he/she do that to me?
Did he/she really love me during the relationship?
What did I do wrong?
Did he/she find someone better that’s why he/she left?
Is the new supply better than me?
These are just some of the questions that are left unanswered that’s why the victims are not able to move on and, worse, suffer from depression because what happened was too much for them to handle.
Remember this: It is far too difficult to move on from something that we do not even understand.
This is also the reason why they don’t come out; because they can’t even explain what happened to them so how would they even start?
In My Case
I was the one who dumped my abuser.
I ended the relationship and I asked him to move out of my house and stay away from us for good.
I was able to do that because, luckily, I discovered that he was a Covert Somatic Narcissist before he could even manipulate me any further.
He almost fooled me for life until I figured out a way to know who he really was.
I gathered all the evidences and decided from there to end the relationship because I was dealing with a sick person.
That realization was enough for me to understand everything that happened to me.
Learning about his personality disorder gave me so much answers that I needed.
2) They Are Still Trying to Heal
When you broke up with a normal person whom you loved with all your heart, it would take you so much time to heal and move on.
However, if you need to experience the same but, this time, trying to heal from the abuses done by someone with a twisted mind, it would take even longer.
Because moving on from a heartbreak is one story and moving on from the trauma bond is another.
Traumatic Bonding usually occurs in unhealthy, toxic, and abusive relationships.
This is something that makes letting go so much more difficult because we mistake abuse as love and this is often experienced by those who are trapped in a cycle of abuse.
Simply put that the abuser is able to manipulate the victim much further because he/she pretends to care while doing mental or physical abuse.
Trauma Bond may sound very easy to overcome but wait until you see yourself being in that situation.
You might even find yourself asking your own self the question,
“Why do I stay with this person who doesn’t seem to do me any good?”
People whose reason falls under this category definitely won’t come out because they’re either still in a relationship with the abuser or they’re still under the spell that’s why they still care for their abuser although they can’t seem to understand why.
When I Was Still In a Relationship With My Narcissistic Ex
There were instances when I would ask myself,
“Why do I allow someone like him to disrespect me that much? Why did I even lower my standards for this man time and time again?”
I would always feel hurt and insulted by the way he would make me feel especially during those times when I discovered about his series of cheating.
Although I knew that I should have asked him to move out of my house the very first time I caught him red-handed, but I didn’t.
There’s something in me which said that I should give this man the chance because he’s, anyway, kind to me.
That’s because he never hurt me physically, he never stole from me, and he showed kindness even though at times when I’ve said a lot of hurtful and insulting things to him.
Looking back, now I understand that it was just my abuser’s way of manipulating and playing with my emotions.
It is called “Intermittent Reinforcement“.
This is the “small kindness” that a manipulator throws our way to keep us hopeful in the relationship.
Now I know why I stayed before although it was already becoming obvious that I was living with someone who has a hideous alter-ego.
I remember always giving him another chance, asking him to come home after every fight, because I thought,
“He’s after all, a kind person. I may have overreacted.”
But I should’ve known that the kindness he’s showing me while I was with him was non-existent when I wasn’t around.
I know this because I heard some of his conversations with his friends and I was surprised with how he would twist the story to make me look like a monster to them.
Besides, his side-chick sent me some of his messages as proof that my abuser was smearing me so he could get her sympathy just to have sex with her.
3) It Is Very Embarrassing
Telling other people that you have been fooled by a sick person is not really easy.
This fact can totally damage anyone’s self-esteem and self-worth.
It is especially true for people who are smart and educated.
Just imagine how embarrassing and insulting it is to accept that you got deceived by a nobody.
You, who’s smart, educated, and successful was manipulated by someone who doesn’t deserve even a second of your attention.
Yeah, it’s a hard blow to someone’s ego.
That’s why some people just choose to forget about it and suffer in silence instead of getting ridiculed by other people.
I Had The Same Thoughts When I Just Came Out Of The Relationship
At first, I couldn’t accept it.
I was mad as hell.
I asked myself,
“How could I let such an obviously good-for-nothing person deceive me in such a way?”
I hated myself for months and found it really difficult to forgive myself as well.
I couldn’t believe it.
I felt like I was the most stupid person in the world.
But later on, I was able to process it and so I accepted the fact that sh*t just had happened.
Besides, I got to see the important silver lining right away.
I felt really good once he’s out of my life and I felt like I achieved the kind of freedom I’ve been asking for.
He’s finally out of my life; what could get even better than that?
And so, although it would be quite embarrassing for some people to know the abuse that I’ve gone through, I still felt like I needed to share it to completely free myself.
“The truth will set you free“, as they say, and I don’t have plans of sugarcoating anything for the sake of protecting my image.
Besides, always telling the truth and being transparent are the main reasons why I always manage to sleep peacefully at night.
4) They Were Successfully Convinced By Their Abusers That They Were The Narcissists
Now this is the twisted part.
Almost all Narcissists are so good in manipulating their victim’s mind that they could even convince the victim as the abuser.
This is their way of making sure that the victim would remain under their spell amidst all the red flags that they are manifesting all throughout the relationship.
In the end, the abuser would claim the victim that’s why the real victim couldn’t find the way to escape.
Because these victims are devoured by guilt.
These victims don’t come out because they really believe that they are the Narcissists.
They feel ashamed of themselves and continue to have self-doubts because the abuser was successful in planting those seeds of doubt.
My Relationship With My Narcissistic Ex Should Have Not Lasted That Long
My relationship with my Narcissistic ex lasted for more than 5 years.
But had I known all the things I know right now, my estimate is that we wouldn’t have lasted for even 6 months.
But we did, because I repeatedly forgave him and would always give him the benefit of the doubt, thinking that I was being too hard on him.
I could say this because I would’ve dumped him the moment I discovered that he’s got another child from another woman other than his ex-wife.
This information was something that he tried to hide from me but he was forced to admit it because I read one of his conversations with a guy friend over his old Facebook account.
Their conversation went something like this:
HIM: Hi! Long time no hear. How are you?
FRIEND: I’m fine. Always busy working. How are you?
HIM: Also fine. Just the same. Have you gotten married?
FRIEND: No, not yet. I have no time for that. Always busy working. How about you?
HIM: Not anymore married.
FRIEND: Oh! But did you manage to have kids?
HIM: Of course!
FRIEND: Nice! How many kids do you have now?
HIM: I have 2. A girl and a boy. From different mothers hahaha!
FRIEND: Hahaha! Very nice! That’s why you’re my idol!
Before I agreed to be in a relationship with him, he told me about his daughter from his ex-wife.
And I thought he already told me everything I needed to know about his past.
That’s why after reading that conversation, I asked him about having another child (a son) whom he hasn’t told me about.
He denied it with all his might that’s why I revealed to him that I read that particular conversation with a friend that’s why I knew that there’s something that he’s still not telling me.
He still denied it and said that he just said it to make his friend envy him; that it was just a guy thing.
And then a few days later, he told me that there’s one thing that he wanted to tell me.
However, he said that he’s quite scared that I would leave him once I’ve heard what he’s about to say.
He finally admitted that it’s true, that he’s got another child from another woman.
The Story Of His Other Child
He got a son from some random woman by the name of Mirafe, who’s not even his girlfriend.
He further said that it was just an accident; that Mirafe was head-over-heels in love with him but he never really loved her.
Something happened between them when Mirafe intoxicated him, one night when they were having a drink over at a friend’s house.
He insisted that his son was just a product of a one-night-stand which he couldn’t even remember.
That was the reason why he denied that child all the while when Mirafe was still pregnant; and therefore, he never provided any support during the poor woman’s pregnancy.
However, he was forced to admit that he’s the father upon seeing that the child looked so much like him.
And that’s why they named the child after him; as his junior.
The Relationship Should Have Ended There But Didn’t
After knowing that he’s been lying to me, of course I got mad.
That was his first ever lie and I felt so betrayed.
I cried and I was so mad at him.
I couldn’t understand why I needed to experience yet another betrayal after everything that I’ve gone through already in the past, from my ex-husband.
He went down on his knees and, while crying his heart out, asked for forgiveness and told me that he was just forced to deny it because he was so afraid that he would lose me if I’d know the truth.
I told him that he should’ve not thought about that because I already accepted his past when I agreed to be in a relationship with him.
I always encouraged him to open up because I wanted us to have honesty in the relationship.
I thought he was doing the same because I’ve always been open about my past, all the good and the bad.
I decided to forgive him when he promised that he would not do it again.
That from then on, he would tell me everything.
And that was the start of our story which had a lot of “push and pull“.
To summarize, here’s our usual Cycle of Abuse:
STEP 1: I would catch him doing something wrong.
STEP 2: I would get so mad.
STEP 3: We would fight about it.
STEP 4: He would tell me all his excuses.
STEP 5: He would ask for forgiveness.
STEP 6: He would promise not to do it again.
STEP 7: I would feel sorry for him because he was successful in making me believe that it was because of me that’s why he did something like that.
STEP 8: I would forgive him.
STEP 9: He would show a little improvement in the next coming days (Intermittent Reinforcement by showing small kindness).
STEP 10: We would be happy again.
STEP 11: Repeat Step 1 — because we would only be happy until I catch him doing something wrong again.
Then the cycle just repeats.
You might ask me,
“Why do you keep on forgiving him despite the fact that he keeps on disrespecting you by doing the same mistakes over and over again?”
My simple answer would only be,
“It’s because he wasn’t that all bad. There were times when he was okay, we were okay. I just thought that nobody’s perfect and I should never expect him to be one. Besides, I thought it was because of my attitude that’s why he acted like that.”
But ask me that question now and I would just tell you that it’s because he manipulated me by doing “Intermittent Reinforcement“.
Back then, his “small kindness” made me believe that he would finally get his act together someday.
And that, between the two of us, he was more calm and I was the one who’s always overreacting.
So, maybe I was the Narcissist.
But I know so much better now.
And if you ever feel the same, trust me, you’re not the Narcissist.
Because a Narcissist doesn’t have the ability to self-reflect.
So the simple fact that you’re able to look at yourself this deep only proves that you have an empathy.
Having an undying hope for a Narcissist is far more hopeless than being hopeless.
Because they never really change, they only get better in manipulating people.
5) They Blame Themselves For What Happened
This is an effect once the Narcissist had successfully manipulated the victim in a way I described in Point #4.
The poor victims end up blaming themselves, thinking that they caused the issues in the relationship.
“Maybe he left me because I wasn’t attractive enough.”
“Maybe because I was always mad.”
“Maybe because I didn’t spend enough time with him.”
“Maybe because we were always fighting.”
“Maybe because I didn’t love him enough.”
And the list of maybes goes on and on until the poor victim develops severe anxiety and depression.
These victims definitely won’t come out because they think that they are to blame.
My Narcissistic Ex Had Always Done This Tactic On Me
I must say that it always worked.
That’s also the reason why I would forgive him, because he was able to do the guilt-trip.
One of his final attempts was when he was confessing to me his affair with this woman named Angeline.
He said that he cheated on me because he wanted to punish me for always being hard on him.
Because, he said, since I was always mad at him, he’s no longer feeling that he’s loved and appreciated.
Therefore, his affair was his sort of “retaliation” in order to hurt me.
But when I asked him,
“How could you punish me if I don’t have any idea about your cheating? How could you hurt me in that way?”
He just said that he couldn’t explain it.
He tried to convince me that it was his way of “unloading his anger“.
He further added that his cheating balanced his mood; that had he not cheated behind my back, he would’ve been forced to leave me because of too much anger.
Yes, that was his way of saying,
“I cheated on you because you deserved it.”
That way, he also made me feel that his cheating was all my fault.
But since I have a stronger and more sensible logic, I didn’t buy that excuse.
My reason?
I realized that I wasn’t also satisfied with our relationship because of his poor performance on everything; sex included.
But never, even at least once when I thought about punishing him by having an affair with another man who could give me so much more than he could.
I wasn’t happy, too.
But how come I never thought about committing infidelity?
The answer to that question is because any normal and mature people in a relationship would rather confront their partners about their problems in order to fix it rather than betray them.
Only decent human beings with a stable mentality would know that a problem would never solve a problem.
Narcissists don’t recognize this fact because they lack empathy.
They only think about themselves.
They’re only after what would benefit them so they don’t think about the end-result and how it would impact other people.
6) Flying Monkeys Prevented Them From Doing So
Let me define Flying Monkeys first before going any further.
Wikipedia defines Flying Monkeys as people who act on behalf of a Narcissist to a third party, usually for an abusive purpose (e.g. smear campaign).
RECOMMENDED READING: Smear Campaign: My Narcissistic Ex’s Version Of Why His Marriage Didn’t Work
They can be anyone who believe the Narcissist’s fake persona including the Narcissist’s spouse, child, friend, sibling, or cousin.
They are usually unwittingly manipulated people who believe the smears about the victim although they may be another Narcissist working in tandem.
Some of the victims don’t get to come out to share their stories because they were convinced by the Flying Monkeys that this isn’t necessary.
These Flying Monkeys would make it even harder for the victim to recognize that he/she was indeed being victimized by a Narcissist.
They could simply brainwash the victim in order to stop considering taking these steps.
I Got Lucky I Learned About Flying Monkeys Early On
I learned about Flying Monkeys even before I ended my relationship with my Narcissistic ex.
I did some advance thinking by studying about all the possible scenarios involving anyone who might try to convince me that my ex won’t need to get exposed.
It’s as simple as practicing the method of listening only to yourself and not getting affected by whatever other people would tell you.
That’s why right now, nobody could stop me from revealing as much.
Nobody, not even my ex, who also tried to stop me by sending guilt-tripping text messages when he felt that I was about to come out.
7) They Are Afraid Of Getting Called “Crazy”
This is probably the most popular reason that’s why some victims just try to forget about it and won’t even bother talking about it.
Once you have experienced being in a relationship with a Narcissist, you would never become your old self again.
You would either become your best or your worst version.
Victims with weak personality cave in and become bitter for the rest of their lives because they refuse to face the ugly truth.
They are constantly in denial, which makes moving on so much difficult.
While those with stronger character tend to educate themselves about Narcissism, maintain No Contact, move on, and have a better life.
However, one of the challenges being faced by the victims who choose to speak up is the tendency for some people to doubt him/her.
This is because some details of the story are sometimes hard to believe and hard to explain to somebody who never experienced being in a relationship with someone who has that personality disorder.
In the Philippines, the topic about Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not always given enough attention, thus, you would find only limited materials locally that would explain Narcissism the way many of the victims have experienced.
When people hear the word “Narcissist“, they only think about somebody who has excessive self-admiration.
Maybe these people are those whom we often see post selfies on Facebook but there’s so much more and darker than that.
And besides, some Filipinos tend to generalize some of the acts as “common” that’s why they won’t need some further explanation.
One good example is the thing about Somatic Narcissists.
We know that this type of Narcissistic individuals use their body or sexuality in order to capture their victims.
But most Filipinos would just simply put it as someone being a “womanizer” if he’s a male or “woman of the world” if she’s a female.
What we don’t know is that there is so much more about that behavior other than being horny or sexually insatiable.
I Experienced This First-Hand
My ex was a Police Officer.
In the Philippines, it’s but normal for a Police Officer to have such a reputation of having multiple spouses especially when they are the ones who get assigned to different locations.
It is no longer a surprise when the wife discovers another family apart from their family.
I don’t want to say that it’s accepted but rather expected.
As a result, most spouses suffer the fate of being cheated on repeatedly (aware or unaware).
Most of them accept it because they don’t have any choice, more so when the Police Officer was the one providing for the family.
This was something I heard a lot of times while still in a relationship with my ex.
Most of the people in our circle somewhat joked about my ex having different families spread across different locations around the country.
Well, I didn’t ignore the fact and rather just prepared for the worst case scenario.
I always knew that I’m NOT the type who would consider pampering a cheating husband a career that’s why I wasn’t surprised when I easily let him go when it was time.
And I know that my ex is out there trying to smear my name to anyone who would cross path with him.
That’s why here I am, telling the dirty details about what really happened between us, not to smear him but to serve as an eye-opener to some others who are still out there hiding in the shadows of the abuse.
I am not the type who would bend backwards just to save my face.
I don’t need to be liked by other people for validation because I know who I am and what I want and nobody can dictate that to me.
And I’d rather be called crazy than coward.
This is me saying I’m not afraid of my then-abuser.
My then-abuser is now afraid of me.
For sure, there are so many other reasons out there that I wasn’t able to consider in this list so feel free to share yours as well.
I hope this piece provided some clarity in case you’re still in doubt.
Always listen to your gut and always, always choose yourself.
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